I realize that the following text will be a bit out of the ordinary since you've become accustomed on seeing only photos and reading everyday blabber. I'll tell you now, this will not take a few minutes to process. It will take you four hours in here, and a lifetime when you shut your computer.
For the past four years I've been walking with my hands on my eyes. I've been waiting for someone to stop me, take my hands in theirs, and open my eyes. Instead of that, I fell hard. My hands hit the ground and I saw that the whole time, I had walked in light.
I did not see, I just heard. I heard the constant demands on "why haven't you had a boyfriend" or "why don't you have a boyfriend". Wasn't anybody good enough for me, or wasn't I good enough for anybody? But most of all, how could God do this to me? How could He ignore my prayers? Why did I have the feeling that I was yelling to a wall? Knocking on a locked door? If He truly saw what I was so eager to have and to hold, why would He deny it from me?
Well, simply because He knew better. The one thing I was seeking for was affection. Someone to hold my hand - just anyone. Problem was, it seemed like there wasn't anyone. Even if I'd taken the first person who walked up on me on the street! No one. So I looked in the mirror, I looked in my behavior, I looked everywhere outside and inside because the answer had to be somewhere in me, there had to be something to change. There had to be something so disgusting in me that kept everybody at distance. Yet I had (have) friends, so it couldn't really be anything that huge, I mean, someone would've surely said something! I was lost in this circle, trying to change a little bit of anything yet failing on changing anything at all.
I stopped going to church, I stopped wearing my cross. I started to look for love elsewhere but it lead me nowhere. I thought if God wouldn't help me, I would - something or someone else would. Well that didn't happen, and I'm glad it didn't. Because in the end, I found love from the place I originally had left.
Now I realize that it was God. He was the one keeping everybody at distance because in my mind, I had gone too far. My emotions had led me to a place where any hand to hold would've been good enough. Where I could've done anything any hand would've commanded me to do. Where I would've scarred myself from even deeper than from the agonizing feeling of loneliness did. I thought the pain couldn't have gotten any worse, but it could've. That's why God kept everybody at arms-lenght. He lead me through the light though I persistently kept my hands on my eyes.
So now, when I hopefully someday meet my husband-to-be, I can say, "I am wholly yours. You're the one I've been waiting for and you're the one God has lead me to. Though I knew nothing about you, I've lived my life for you in the hands of God."
From now on I will not just be inside my head, circling around. I will become the person I am looking for is looking for, for love is patient and love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoiced with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) As i have now learned, it does not take a person - "the right one"- to get me be those things, but I have to practice them, live them so that I can one day be them.
If you have absolutely no idea what I am talking about or you want to continue pondering on this matter, please, click the following link and watch these videos. There are 4 of them; on the left bottom you'll see "Select a part" where you can move on.
